I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
