Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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