she was so not down for the gang bang
Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
