Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Randomize
