You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
