Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
