hotel room ftw
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Randomize
