i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
