If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
