My underwear smells like fireworks.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
