He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
