I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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