I think my fart just growled at me.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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