when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Randomize
