saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
