just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
i dont even know how to be here
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
