You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
