2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
