i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
