Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Randomize
