Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
