I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Randomize
