still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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