Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
