My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
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