i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
