I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
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