you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
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