I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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