my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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