You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
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