tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
