Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize
