when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
