a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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