I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
