STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
