When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
