I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Randomize
