Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
