I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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