my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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