Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
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