I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Just took my morning after pill in the library
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
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