how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
