Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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