I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
