She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
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