I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
