Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Randomize
