Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
