hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
