I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
You ruined the universe
Randomize
